I could not sleep and was doing what we all have a habit of, looking at my phone, scrolling through social media.  I came across a word I had not heard before: sonder.  Now while I had not been introduced to the word, I have often pondered its meaning.” In a state of sonder, you realize that you are part of everyone else’s stories, and that you influence the lives of those around you. You are at once a hero, an extra, and a supporting cast member in overlapping stories Lots of the great authors I read remind me to reflect on how everyone around me is fighting battles I don’t know about, how everyone is truly trying their best and that we are all just walking together.  How great it is then, to have discovered a noun for this realization.  And how it goes further to talk about how we are not all main characters taking up space in each other’s lives, that in the majority we are but a minor character, a single interaction, a background extra like on a movie set.  It is the realization that everyone’s life is equally rich, complex, diverse and layered as our own that is the aha moment.  I think there is a tendency to get lost in our own thoughts, pressures and life and we get lulled into a sense that not only does everyone have it a bit easier, but that we are separate, sonder is realizing we all part of the cast.

I got a new to me 2016 car recently and the activation of the phone book is voice controlled.  My old car had a list of preset favourites that you just punched, but now I find myself talking to my car and my most used command is: “dial Home”.  After I say that it shows me a list and asks me to verify the line number, which I do.  The next part is what I am highlighting. As it just says “Home”  my car says: “dialing home, home”  and I could be imagining it, but there seems to be a pause between the repeating of home and home that makes me feel like the car is pausing to reflect on the word.  This in turn causes me to pause also and take moment to reflect on all the comforts of home.  Home……home, the place where my favourite people are, my comfy chair, my pets, my memories, my photos, my gardens, my stuff.   Home ……home, the place where I land most days, where I can rest a little, host family and friends and recharge.  Home…. Home, a place that I often take for granted and after a busy day sometimes get more cranky than grateful.  Home …..home, the number I dial when I want to talk to my favourite people to tell them I am on my way to them or check in on the day.  My anchor, my launch pad, my safe place, my comfortable oasis, and most appreciated destination.  It is my greatest hope that everyone  has a place that they can call home…..home, and that you get to make a connection with it  often and that makes each day brighter and easier to navigate.

I had the pleasure of hearing Para Olympic gold medalist Jeff Adams speak at a recent conference and in the middle of his talk he played two clips. In one he placed fifth and in the other he won gold.  What I loved about the clips was that in both he was composed and mentioned a drive to be a role model for young people to see and seek to understand that things are possible in hard work and determination. The same message in a disappointing loss and in victory.  In both occasions he was at the Olympics, in both he was a world class athlete and in both he was on the national news.  It did not really seem to make a big difference that he was a gold medalist in only one of the clips, he was modeling something in both.  The determination, hard work, discipline and mental stamina to compete, to train and to do the race.  It struck me that this is the days and weeks of our lives.  We sometimes get it right, we sometimes fall short, we are on top of everything and then slip into a hot mess.  However, its all learning, its all good, its all building our character and our emotional toolbox and our life view.  And I would say that like Jeff’s interviews it is all inspiring and shows others around us what it is to be triumphantly human in this race we call life.

This week I was having a busy day and I needed to get a number of gift bags full of delightful things from the back of my car.  I trudged out and opened the hatch, I pulled the first bag out and a second bag fell to the pavement.  Inside each bag was two glass jars of candy and now this unfortunate bag had only one.  This accident was just too much, I was busy, distracted, overwhelmed and now I was staring at jelly beans and broken glass all over the parking lot at my feet.  My parking space is right next to the street and in those seconds where I was just staring down in disbelief a pedestrian offered help.  She shared concern, seemed as sad as I was to see the cheerful jelly beans all over the ground, and she instantly both shared my disappointment and offered help.  I told her that I would handle it but thanked her so much for her offer and her stopping.  It really did help, it shook me out of my negative spiral, it reassured me, it made me realize that there is so much more good than bad around me.  As she moved on I began to carefully pick up the glass and sugary treats, and another couple stopped to ask if I needed help.  It could have been just another set back in a busy day, instead it turned into a memory for me about how strangers can be brought together over spilled jelly beans and can turn a grimace into a smile.  So I guess I was contemplating crying over the spilled jelly beans, instead I smiled at the kindness of others when I have in fact spilled the beans. 

I had an interesting experience this week attending a meeting where a hockey tournament was going on for what looked like 11-year-old boys.  The thing that stood out to this non-hockey person was that these boys were carrying, on their backs, the most humungous hockey bags.  And while they clearly took pride in being able to independently shoulder these behemoth bags, they were clearly bent with the weight as they trudged along. Inside the meeting the speaker was discussing the health problems that tend to build up if we don’t let things go.  That when we hold on to hurts or grudges or pains caused by others for sometimes years that this is like drinking poison and will weigh us down.  What an exceptional convergence of experiences, seeing the weighed down players, hulking through with their bags three times their own body weight while at the same time talking about the emotional baggage we can carry when we don’t let go of what might not have ever been ours to hold.  The speaker in the room reminded all of us that we cannot begin to control the actions of others, that our only control is what we do ourselves in our hula hoop circle of self-regulation.  When we are disappointed or hurt, we were urged to reflect- are we trying to buy bread at the hardware store?  Were we expecting wisdom, or love or behaviour from another person that they simply are not able to offer to us or to themselves.  So in essence we are carrying that huge hockey bag when really all this time, we never should have taken it on, there is great wisdom in knowing that the person inflicting pain, can’t hurt us, unless we in fact take the load.

I recently walked in on a situation where someone was very upset, and the support staff were doing a great job in walking the person through a dialogue to help them regulate.  I did what I needed to and exited the scene so as not to complicate the conversation with my presence.  Before I left, I heard this question: “Do you think you are making good choices right now?”  Exit stage right for me, but the question was already settling in my brain.  Do I think I am making good choices right now?  When I reach for the sugary treat rather than the veggies, when I watch another episode on Netflix instead of taking a walk, when I put off yet again anything resembling a deep clean of my house in favour of a fun adventure.  Am I making good choices?  I think sometimes I am, sometimes the fun adventure is more of what I need than trying to figure out what is stuck to the floor under the garbage can.  And sometimes I am not, avoiding my to do list as it grows, affecting my energy level and health with poorer snack choices.  Just like the situation I happened upon, it is helpful if in the moment we can take a moment to reflect, to ask the question, is this the right thing?  It is in the reflecting that we can make sure we are not just on auto pilot, being mad at a  person because of a story I am telling myself rather than what is actually happening.  A moment to question could be all we need to reset our actions and be present in what is true in the present moment and then in that pause choosing what is the good or better choice.  Especially when we are angry, what we see is what we look for so in the heat of the moment everything can look like something that reaffirms our angry feelings. It is hard to do, but from somewhere we should try to hear the important question and create just a little space to see what is actually in front of us.  Are you making good choices right now? 

I am completely overjoyed that the summer like weather continues well beyond its time into October, love wearing the sandals and being outside, but one thing is starting to bother me.  I know that it is the time of year that I should be trimming and clearing in my flower beds and preparing for their winter rest, but I am having trouble doing it seeing how lush they all remain. My usual cues of frost and floppiness, colder weather and cool breezes is missing, its only the calendar that says it is time. Its an interesting thought to ponder, what do we get cues for that guide us, what kind of environment do we need to remind us to do the rhythmic things in our year?  I know I feel more like holiday preparation if we have had a snowfall, I feel like planting new things if the spring weather is well established and I fall into some childhood patterns when I have the social cues of being with my siblings at my childhood home.  Its all part of what makes us unique and on our own separate journeys, we could be two people in an identical situation and group but interpreting it completely differently.  I see things based on what I have experienced.  Everyone interprets weather, smells, sounds and environments differently.  Another reminder to just be kind and share space in the garden.

What does it look like to belong?  What is authentic inclusion?  What is a strong circle of support?  At the conference for Community Living Ontario last week, these were all important questions and ponderings.  These are the questions that started a movement in Ontario over 70 years ago and these are questions that have no simple answer.  The day to day lives of all Ontarians are different, the passions and interests are diverse and the definition of family and friend and the space they take up in our lives is very different.  How then does a movement keep going forward with no clear bullet points to indicate where the destination is?  A good first step is to put the person at the heart of the journey.  Each of us know when we feel included, when we value the presence of another, when we miss someone who is not there that was.  We know how it feels when we are completely comfortable to be with someone, when we have a few good friends.  And this is both the great challenge and the wondrous privilege of planning and helping others to seek out, nurture, expect or even demand inclusion and accessibility, it is not one size fits all.  At the heart of the work and adventure is getting to know what people enjoy, seek out and desire, what make there heart sing.  While there is no absolute recipe, people know how it feels when they have arrived at a dream, and in that feeling can plan for another as part of the circle.
 

Previously enjoyed – August 2023

February 2023 was my son’s last reading week as he was set to graduate, I took one day off just to spend with him and he declared that he would like to offer that I choose the adventure, but then he realized my choice would be antique markets and cemeteries, so he thought again. It’s true, I do like cemeteries, I like history and family trees and cemeteries have a lot to offer. Every now and then my google pictures makes a collage for me with a wonderful title like- July day or summer fun and inevitably there will be some shots of flowers, family, pets, and a few tombstones. It always makes me laugh at the mash up of things I want to take a photo of. Right in the middle of captured joyful moments are these stone markers of lives lived. Tombstones do reflect that a life ended, but also mark where a person rests that lived on this earth for a period of time. A person that had dreams, was challenged, had joy, and experienced storms of different kinds. I guess while I do not plan to frame any of these masterpieces the collage does reflect how I spent some time. It’s a tricky thing balancing living with the end of life, balancing joy with sorrow, knowing that we need each to truly have a full life and to completely live with an understanding of all the colours of lives. There are a lot of tombstones in our lives, the ends of things, the paths not taken, the people lost, the job changes and relationships changed or ended. At the end of all that there is this mix, flowers of joy, people that made the sunset brighter and clouds to help us know that while we live, we face it all.

I have three friends that I send a meme or two to each and every morning.  Sometimes we say more, sometimes we just react and sometimes we just leave it at that and know that we have enjoyed a laugh or at least a grin. Turns out this practice has a name, as discovered by one of my daily meme friends.  It is called “pebbling” a term coined from the practice of penguins offering each other pretty pebbles.  It has been observed that penguins will scoop up a cool looking pebble when they see it and offer it to their mate.  Then they use these pebbles to make their nest. I love this analogy.  I love starting my day not only with the smiles and deep thoughts sent to me, but also with the knowledge that I crossed someone’s mind already.  That in the early hours of morning, a friend had on their to do list- offer Teresa a smile for the day.  And just like the penguins I can take those jokes, or notes, or inspirational quotes and make a start to my day, just like a nest to shield me from the cold.  I can go forth knowing that I have a few pals. It takes almost no time to ensure I have a few images to share, to send them, and make a positive change. I have had quick chats in the same way that had a lasting impact on my day. This is a practice that is available to all of us to do.  A way to pick up the shiny pebbles and share or take a minute to have a quick chat, it is endless to think about the impact that this can have on someone’s entire day.  When you see something shiny and beautiful, share it.