I read books, and I very often choose secondhand books for my fiction choices and then pass them on to others when I am done.  So, we are talking about hundreds of previously owned books passing through my life.  This past weekend I was reading a book and I got to the last page, and it ended mid-sentence and careful inspection revealed that the last few pages had been ripped out.  I have questions, why did they get ripped out?  Why then was it donated to a secondhand store?  How in the world am I going to know how this book ends? It is hard to imagine what happened, but just like in other things sometimes we must accept that we will never know how it ends, there are things left unsaid, people suddenly leave, something ends, and we must go on and figure out how to live with the unknowing. We have to think about what in this situation can we control, how we are going to react and behave and really we are not in charge of much else.  My only choice here to accept that until I find another copy, I am simply left to wonder. Do what you can with what you can, until you can do better.

I have long struggled with the Anais Nin quote “We see the world not as it is, but as we are”, it is all about perception and all those filters that we have applied throughout our life, learning and experiences that affect how we are interpreting and categorizing what we see.  I mean, really, shouldn’t things just be, black and white, one way or another, a fact?  How can there always be room for interpretation and difference?  I recently had a disagreement with a friend, and they sent 10 pages of a book to prove their position.  The fascinating part of that exchange is that I dutifully read the ten pages and absolutely found that they backed my position and idea.  Now this is a learned friend, so I knew that they would be equally convicted that it proved their position to be correct, so I said nothing and moved on.  However, the whole exchange offered me another opportunity to think about this quote and idea, that once we have decided on a position, we can often find back up in whatever we look at.  In this way, the greatest of care should be taken in developing the firm opinion.  We find what we are looking for.  So, I guess we have two options or maybe two equal tasks, we need to stay open about our opinions when we can so that we can take in new information and keep on learning.  Secondly, we need to understand that there is often no single interpretation, with the exception of maybe math, that something that seems absolutely conclusive to me could be interpreted in a completely different way by another.  I think its important to be convicted about things, but the awareness that others see the same things very differently is just as important for this sojourn that we are all on together.  Sometimes there is great strength in being vulnerable enough to try really hard to see things through a different lens, an alternative frame or at least to acknowledge that a difference could exist.  How rich our lives can be when we see things as we are, and as we all are. 

It is the new year 2024 and we are just a few days in. It is also January the dark month with no holiday anticipation where mental health becomes top of mind. How do we shore ourselves up to get through to the spring? I have read a number of articles that would urge us all to be gentle, to rest and to reflect the natural rhythm of the winter, longer sleeps at night and more time for reflection. That is perfect were it not for the hockey practices, shifts, school projects, care for others and a million other jobs that tend to pile up. But maybe the gentle part is something we could pull off. Maybe we could slow down just a little, play the board game, read the book, rewatch that favourite movie. The days are getting longer little by little, maybe that’s the approach we just take to everything- little by little we will make some positive change, little by little be more present, little by little find something to enjoy for a few minutes and little by little get through the darkest month of the year. The old saying goes that all journeys begin with just one step. So, let’s all take just one step in the direction of a better January and a rested and rejuvenated us ready for the Spring that will arrive.

It is almost New Year’s Eve and already the commercials are setting us up to be a better self in the new year. Organization and exercise seem to be the important messages for what constitutes a new person in a new year.  Let’s not fall for that hustle this year, sure I think the passing away of the old year is a great time for reflection, but why does a new me involve some kind of wall Pilates, fitness app, spinach smoothy makeover.  How about we take the time to reflect on who we became in 2023, what kindness did we find for ourselves, what change did we make for someone else?  Did we laugh every day?  Did someone find a hard time easier because we shared a sandwich?  And now for the new year, how can we rise a little more, call a friend that seems down, connect with a relative you have not seen in years, volunteer to do something new and helpful, learn, grow, look at something from a completely new angle.  I am all in for the new year, new me, I just think that the new me part is so multi-dimensional and builds on the person we were last year.  I love the idea that what we do right here today, the small habit changes are the ones that have the biggest impact long into the future.  Do something today, try a new thing and next year at this time, we can again reflect on the impact in big and small ways of the journey we are all on together from one year to the next.  Goodbye 2023 with your lessons, triumphs, happy moments, and challenges, laughs and heartaches, Welcome- a shiny new year with no mistakes in it, yet.

In one of the holiday traditions at this time of year, there is a story of a couple looking for lodging and they are repeatedly told that there is no room. No room at the inn for any extra guests because, after all, there was a lot going on in the city where they were,  a census before there was mail in long forms and everyone had to be present to be counted. The streets, it is said, were filled with people and there was a busyness everywhere and a couple looking for a room kept getting turned away. 

No matter what your traditions and culture in the holiday season I feel like we can all relate to that atmosphere of overcrowded streets, overfilled lodgings, and errands. Our day planners are fuller with holiday get-togethers, our rooms are often filled with guests and our to do lists have no vacancy.  The strange part about this season is that many a greeting card compels us to find some peace, to celebrate family, to enjoy the season,  or to relax into joy.  Let me add that to the to do list, oh wait, no room. 

This is a time of extra busy schedules, extra calories, in some cases extra sadness and in many cases extra joyful moments. It is up to each of us to decide about the room, decide about the space available for extra, decide what to let in, what to be available for, what to prioritize. Is there room for a few moments of peace and reflection on this past year? Are there spare linens and a couch for some extra times spent with a friend to catch up? Is there a rickety old shed out back for a bit of self-care and rest in and around the streets full of errands? We are the innkeepers who decide what gets room. Fill your rooms with what makes this season great for you, add an extra cot for some peace and rest, and celebrate and be counted in this holiday season.

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I am a list maker, I have a book of lists for work, a book of lists for home and, when things are of extreme importance, my lists can cross pollinate.  There are columns, sometimes highlighted sections, and stickers.  I have always kept lists and I would be lost without them.  When I am overwhelmed by a bunch of priorities my first step is to make a fresh list that helps me think through how to eat the elephant one bite at time and put things in a perspective of priority order; this strategy helps me make a start. 

Yesterday, I was crafting the day’s list and I realized that my credit card is about to expire and I have not received the replacement. So, the already overfilled day got a task added, to call the company and figure this out. And I will admit I had a little grump about it, why did this get lost, why do I have so much today, why is there this one more thing to add to a busy day? So contrary to all my efforts to begin a day in gratitude and positivity, I grumped. 

My home, like others, is decorated for the holidays and as such the place where the mail usually goes is a Christmas wonderland of lights and décor; thus, my family has been chucking the mail on my desk. As part of my morning routine, I went to my desk at home to grab things I would need at work, and I noticed the rather large pile of mail. The new credit card was in an envelope in the stack. All that wasted grumpiness, all that needless worry! A pause was needed to actually check in on the facts, a moment of investigation would have changed the morning back to gratitude, tomorrow I will put that on my list as a priority.  

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We have definitely entered the busy season.  No matter what holiday you celebrate there is an extra added event or two to your already packed schedule.  I recently mentioned that my hands ache a little if I play piano too many days in a row.  My pragmatic friend offered that there is an easy fix, stop playing piano several days in a row.  Seems simple and is doable most of the year, but this, my learned colleague is the busy season, gigs and practices about holiday cheer through singing and I am the accompanist.  In playing piano I am always clear with people singing that I will follow them, so if they want to linger on a note or slow the pace down, I will adjust, they are setting the pace, its their performance and I am just in the background plonking out the melody on the piano.  Makes me think about how we can show up in the world and in our work.  There are times where we set direction for ourselves and go boldly forth in what in that moment leads us to our best possible life.  I would wager, if we pay attention to our bold moves and growth spurts, somewhere in the background there is an accompanist, someone who is just following our lead, keeping time for us, holding space for our dreams and helping us to adjust our timing.  There is an age-old reminder about living a life knowing that at any moment you could be inspiring another, I guess what I am thinking about is paying attention to your backup band in your successes.  While you may be inspiring who is behind you just supporting you, plonking out the tune of your next move?  You decide the tempo, linger in bars (musical ones) as long as you need and those accompanist will follow, will catch up, will slow down and meet you where you are.  Sometimes we are the soloist, sometimes in the choir, and from time to time we are all in the background ensuring that another can hear the melody of their dreams a little better so that they can make the bold moves. 

I read a passage recently that said when we are children, we look at ourselves in the mirror and we love what we see.  We are delighted in our reflection, happy with our skills, and confident that we are an artist, a singer, a star and that anything is possible.  I recently went to my eight-year-old nephew’s hockey game, and afterwards what I experienced was equal to an NHL media scrum.  He was proud beyond belief at his one goal and his performance on the ice. I just loved the way he sauntered out of the change room and greeted his adoring fans.  Where does all this go as we get older?  I think we start to question our abilities; we start comparing ourselves to others, we get messages big and small about what we are good at, what we should stop doing, what we need to improve. And then we get kind of stuck in a place where we are on a continuous loop of disapproval and self-improvement.  Do we take enough time to question these messages?   Mrs. Hutchinson gave me a D in music in grade 2, that was a message that I added to my reflection over the years. However, I think she was mostly reflecting on my inability to stop chatting in singing time, or my tendency to want to sing all the parts.  I did not go on to be a full-time singer or musician in my adult life, but I did go on to keep enjoying music no matter what Mrs. Hutchinson thought all those years ago.  This is our one magical life, own what you are, look in the mirror with happy acceptance and try to saunter with the confidence of an 8-year-old scoring a goal on a Saturday with his aunt cheering.

I have a friend from high school that went on to have six sons, make her living and her life on a massive seed farm and pretty much makes me look like I am standing still most of the time.  Recently, on Facebook she posted about an average day, each son off in a different direction, husbands clocking a 16-hour day in the tractor and her working and cooking and coordinating.  In her note she added after about a thousand items: “and to top it off I overcooked a pan of bacon and now we will be having bacon bits”.  I have so many questions, why when cold cereal exists is she cooking bacon on a busy day?  Why are they not just eating the crumbly bacon beside their eggs? Why can I not even remember the last time I cooked bacon?  She is a force of nature, and I am in awe.  I think too it reminds me that while my life seems far less complex the overcooked bacon part seems pretty familiar.  The one thing on top of the whole long list of “to do’s” that does not turn out right, that gets over done, under done, blown or completely missed.  So I guess, like my pal we have two options, throw up our hands and give in to the forces of an over busy day or instantly decide to make a salad that requires bacon bits.  The pandemic overused the word pivot, but I guess that is what we are talking about, when something does not turn out the way we were expecting or it is just the one thing that we can’t make right in a long list of things to do, just spin it, crumble it up, put it in a Ziplock and pretend that bacon bits was what you were aiming for.  And in all times remember that cold cereal is an option for any meal in my opinion. 

I find myself a bit down, caught up in a few weeks of losing a few people close to me.  For anyone my age, you will understand when I say I have been listening to a lot of Air Supply, need I say more?  Most recently I said goodbye to a dear friend that I have said for years “ran marathons, like for fun that I do not understand”, but he did, and he ran 105 in his lifetime. Ken did lots of other things but running was his passion and he could be found each day in the early morning taking in the dawn’s early light in his running gear.  At his funeral a running mate told a story of when he was trying to qualify for the Boston marathon, in which Ken had run a few times.  They both entered a local marathon to get the qualifying time. Ken finished with a good time and instead of resting he ran back a few kilometres and ran beside the friend trying so hard to qualify, encouraging him, supporting him, crossing the finish again with him and they both went to Boston.  I have to imagine that I would want to rest.  I so admire this idea that when his race was done, he just turned himself around and added a few more kilometres to make sure a friend crossed the finish.  I know that the tiny part of the world that Ken occupied will miss him terribly, his dry sense of humour and completely incongruous general grumpiness and love for all things Christmas. And now even in his early passing from aggressive cancer, I can be inspired to not only run my race to the finish, but to run beside those I want to support, may I never be “all out of love” and keep the pace he set.