Near my home there is a road that winds along the side of the hill.  In the early 2000’s my municipality named all the roads rather than the tried-and-true numbers and nicknames that had been used over the decades.  In doing so they often use family names of long owned farms or names of culturally significant landmarks.  It was an interesting time as the names were released, and we had to get to know the new road names.  The road that winds along the hill had two farms on it owned by the Beer family.  The resulting road name then became Beers Road.  Now all these years later, we are all quite acquainted with the road names. Beers road, we all have to remember, since there is almost never a sign posted.  Within days of the sign being installed it is stolen, and all over cottage country places are now adorned with the unique sign directing company to a certain favourite beverage.   I feel like there might be a longer-term solution, but for now the municipality replaces a few times a year, a cottage decorating is enhanced in the same number.  There are countless road signs all over the place, however, Beers Road has a special appeal, it stands out, people relate and are compelled to break the law, even to be able to declare that their spaces have a similar theme. It’s a sought-after prize.  What do you seek?  What thing or element or sign do you look for to enhance your spaces?  How do you know when you have found it?  At this holiday time of shopping and ads we are bombarded by images and ideas for things we did not yet know we needed.  It is easy to get swept up and overwhelmed by all the options.  Understanding what makes you happy, what brings you joy reliably is a place to start.  Get clear about that and you can cut through the noise to focus on what is true to you, what is important, what you need.  Once you know, it is my greatest hope that you will seek it out and not settle for less.  The local road sign is a stand out, find your Beers Road sign, avoid theft, and seek out your road to more joy.

Brene Brown says that the opposite of belonging is not being outcast or solitary, it is, fitting in.  Making changes, becoming smaller, altering your personality, hiding gifts or maybe forcing yourself to display gifts that are not yours are all ways that inhibit belonging.  I toured a progressive private school recently and there was a great story about how the children co-designed the play area.  Without prompts the kids of all ages started to spontaneously talk about how to make spaces and equipment accessible for all.  They had a strong sense that their play time in that yard would be richer if all could have a chance to play together.  Inclusion and belonging are about feeling comfortable, able to enter, safe and valued not for what you are doing, buying, bringing in your casserole dish, but in who you are.  We all have unique gifts, perspectives, ideas, talents and interests.  Belonging means that you can bring that whole self, be fearless in the sharing and know that you are valued.  It also means that while the entire group on the playground may not share your passion for Elvis’s music and Jane Austen books, you feel safe and heard and appreciated enough to share your delight in those things even when not shared.  I feel like this explains why isolation and loneliness does not always equate to being alone.  Lots of humans spend time with others in lots of different ways.  What does belonging mean to you?  Are there ways that all of us can make the spaces around us more inclusive, can we take an extra step toward making the people around us feel more safe and able to bring their whole selves?  Can we make our playgrounds in all forms available for all to share in the adventure we call life.

Snow came early this year, I mean really, we should be ready in November, but overall, there is an unwritten agreement that November snow is too early, December is wondrous and then anytime in January we start to complain that it’s hanging around.  The snow has an immediate effect on those of us that have a vehicle, if we do not already have them, we are in a rush to get our snow tires on.  This week I have heard many stories of people making appointments, visiting garages overrun with tire changes and lamenting not being able to get an appointment.  We know the snow will arrive, we know it’s a task that needs doing, however, this is an event that immediately propels us into motion.  Are there other things in our lives like this?  Perhaps the illness of a close friend or relative spurs us on to make a healthy change?  Maybe the neighbour being broken into, launches us into a home security mission?  Or a speeding ticket slows us down for a good long while in our driving.  We have so much to worry about, handle, do and plan, it becomes so hard to get it all into our weeks.  I met one person this week who said, I simply put my snow tires on at Remembrance Day and take them off at Easter, I do not wait for the weather to remind me.  I admire that kind of planning. They say that one the secrets of Steve Jobs was that he worked intentionally to limit his choices, for instance he did not deviate very often from one outfit, thus eliminating the choice of what to wear.  When we let our planning be influenced by the external, we may always feel stressed or behind.  Is there one thing we can just book, just get done or pare down in choices that would smooth out the busyness?  Let’s get ahead of the snow, lets work out a way to have a smoother ride in all weather.

This week I was asked “What does your billboard say?” Sort of a weird opener, but what was meant was; what are you bringing? What do your actions say? What is it that you offer a conversation, project, visit or workspace?  There is the adage that we reap what we sow, but often we do not check on what we are planting. This speaker was asking that we check in with what we are bringing to every space that we are in, are we complaining, focusing on the negative, are we tired, out of energy, low on enthusiasm, is that starting to affect others?  Or perhaps we can check in and find that we are looking at what is great more than what isn’t, what is strong more than what is wrong and that our billboard is really sending a message that we are open for business, willing to work, ready to create and lift others up.  Important to note that none of us can be positive all the time, and its in these times that others could offer up the seeds of support needed to pull us all through. What’s on your billboard?  I think just the act of checking in with what we are presenting to others will make us more mindful of the emotional trail we are leaving behind us everywhere we go.  Check in with what matters to you, your core values and make sure the neon lights of your interactions hold true and that your billboard is the you that you want others to believe in.  

I could not sleep and was doing what we all have a habit of, looking at my phone, scrolling through social media.  I came across a word I had not heard before: sonder.  Now while I had not been introduced to the word, I have often pondered its meaning.” In a state of sonder, you realize that you are part of everyone else’s stories, and that you influence the lives of those around you. You are at once a hero, an extra, and a supporting cast member in overlapping stories. Lots of the great authors I read remind me to reflect on how everyone around me is fighting battles I don’t know about, how everyone is truly trying their best and that we are all just walking together.  How great it is then, to have discovered a noun for this realization.  And how it goes further to talk about how we are not all main characters taking up space in each other’s lives, that in the majority we are but a minor character, a single interaction, a background extra like on a movie set.  It is the realization that everyone’s life is equally rich, complex, diverse and layered as our own that is the aha moment.  I think there is a tendency to get lost in our own thoughts, pressures and life and we get lulled into a sense that not only does everyone have it a bit easier, but that we are separate, sonder is realizing we all part of the cast.

I had a good conversation with someone this week that reminded me of an important truth for us all to remember.  We cannot guess, or fake knowledge when it comes to understanding a person.  In all ways, there is no short cut, understanding a person and honouring their uniqueness takes time and curiosity.  It requires a strong sense of putting our own views and personal preferences aside and just be in the space of getting to know another person’s vantage point, experience, preferences, quirks and difficulties.  In our conversation we talked about the word relax.  For this person that is a heavy word that carries with it hard memories of interactions and physical limitations about relaxation.  She just simply does not like the word and it causes an emotional reaction when someone, for all the right reasons, tells her to relax.  I have been thinking about this a lot, this is the kind of thing that you can only find out about a person through discussion and conversation.  The word relax in many ways is a completely neutral word that most of us would hear as a supportive reminder to take a deep breath, take a pause and recenter.  Again, we cannot guess at what other people feel or like or experience.  What does this look like in the everyday?  We all mess this up sometimes, we don’t know enough and say something unwelcome.  That is bound to happen and then we all have to take responsibility to tell others if something they have said or done has caused some discomfort in us.   Once that is known, we all need to recommit adjusting what we say and do in order to not repeat the error.  When we know something, we can do better.  We all have a different web of experiences, difficulties, and memories, there is no gold standard.  We can only find out how to bring out the best in each other by asking  and watching what makes people uncomfortable and what causes others to light up. 

I spent some time with my niece over Thanksgiving, and she relayed to me that she suddenly did not want to go to school and cried and cried.  So, her mom set up a meeting with the teacher and my niece chose to do the talking.  She said that she told her teacher all the things that had been happening and bothering her and how she was feeling.  In her story-telling to me, she made a poignant analogy considering she is 8.  She said with each problem she talked about it felt like another huge rock was lifted off her shoulders and that when she left the meeting, she felt no rocks at all. I often know when I am under stress, I get a sore neck and or a sore bottom lip from mindlessly chewing.  We physically feel our troubles. I am so impressed by the courage and the lesson in the story.  She talked it out and felt lighter, notice she did not say to me that the issues were instantly resolved, only that she had shared them. I read an article recently that we all need to improve our skills in conversation and it offered that instead of saying – how was your day?  We could try asking- what was the best part of your day? Or what are you most proud of getting through today?  In sharing and talking and leaning on one another, we lighten our load, just a little bit.  Take some of the weight off your own shoulders and let others know they can share theirs with you.

Autumn is a time of settling down to winter.  If you have to take care of a yard you start thinking about what needs to be trimmed and protected for winter.  You make plans for snow, getting out shovels putting away rakes.  All the while holding on to the precious last few weeks of warmth and light.  It is a season of settling down for a long winter’s nap in some ways. I love my yard and gardens and love spending time in them.  However, I must admit I look forward to the season where the to do list is shorter, where I am not battling the weeds and growing grass.  Where I can just focus on a cozy spot in my house and let the yard just be.  I once heard a nature expert talk about the seasons of nature and two things have stuck with me.  That spring and early summer is filled with bird song, late summer with insect song and late fall and winter is filled with silence.  As humans for millions of years we were part of these natural rhythms, and I think somewhere inside we do still move with the seasons.  I know I start to long for the stillness and silence of winter in nature.  The deep rest that it seems to signify, provided you are not trying to drive or having difficulty getting warm.  Insect song is coming to a close now that we have had some frost, fall leaves are starting to dance around our cars and feet.  The deep stillness and change in the season is upon us.  What will you do to mark it, to settle into the next season, what will you perhaps make quiet for this next while.  Our ancestral DNA is attuned, lets get tuned in to that ourselves and take some time to move with songs of the season.  Cozy socks, soup, pumpkin spice, indoor activities and a little more quiet in nature all awaits us in this changing of the season.

I resigned from a volunteer position this week and it was so emotional.  I was of course, thanked for my service and offered a huge card.  I knew it was the right decision for my life balance, but it was such a sad feeling to be done with the group and the role.  I was resolved, but oh so very sad to move on.  I am sure we have all faced these kinds of decisions, where we knew what was right and we made up our mind, but that emotions started to creep in.  A friend called it simple inertia, we like staying still and right where we are, even when we know its not quite right for us.  The great thing about inertia though is that it works in the opposite, once a rock is rolling its hard to slow down.  Maybe this week as autumn colours add magic everywhere we look take a little stock of how you are spending your days and weeks.  Are there things that you are doing because changing seem too hard, too emotional, too scary?  Maybe look those things over and measure how much your feelings are just about inertia, that it is hard to make a change from something comfortable to something rolling, even when it’s a good something.  When we start moving in a direction, who knows what we might find.  When we take over the navigation of our lives with a bit more intent there could be some great opportunities open up.  Or if you take a look and decide you are exactly where you need to be, the fresh look will bring fresh ideas and an equal sense of resolve in having looked again and decided to stay and grow from where you are.  It’s the days that have to move through, be purposeful with each and our weeks will take care of themselves and abound in purpose and promise.

My son works for a manufacturing company in Lindsay; he was asked to do overtime in the engineering department on a Sunday. The gate was open when he arrived and he parked close to the building, the person who opened the gate however, left while he was still working and locked it. Now his car was locked in. The problem was soon sorted as there is a key kept in the building his supervisor was able to help direct him to. However, it got me thinking how often we do this both literally and figuratively. The other person did not set out to lock the gate with someone inside. I am sure they simply knew that they had unlocked it for their entry and now needed to lock it. There was an attention to detail and a focus on the role they were playing individually, the presence of the extra car was just missed. We all do this, focus on our liability, our responsibility, our role and sometimes miss the others, the contributions, the cautions, the additions that people are making. None of it intentionally, but rather from a lack of time and space to perhaps, scan the scene, take stock, look up from the work at hand. It is so disappointing when you are the person whose contribution was not noticed or was missed. Our health and safety committee would always recommend that we survey the scene, check for hazard and in this case, check for others. Notice who is there, who helped, who is on your side and make sure you don’t leave them behind.