I recently had a trip to Toronto, way into the heart on Lakeshore Boulevard this of course requires the congested trek along the Don Valley and Gardiner that can easily be stop and go. The GPS of choice was telling us that we could save time by exiting and moving through Toronto Streets, then merging back on. We did it, changing lanes to exit, navigating the busy streets and bike lanes and pedestrians and unfamiliar turns. Then made the challenging merge back onto the big arterial roads. Funny thing was that after all that our estimated destination time remained unchanged. Upon reflection, we had to decide if the adventure and the fact that we stayed in motion was preferable to the reality of being stopped for long periods on the bigger roads. Did we enjoy seeing parts of the city otherwise missed? Had the endeavor been worth our while? I am not sure we decided as we continued our journey, but I did reflect after at how there are lots of times that we have to contemplate changing lanes, trying something different, risking things and stepping out of the comfort of what we know really well. Sometimes it works perfectly and sometimes we end up in a similar place to where we started. In either case we gained something in the adventure to take to the next part of the road ahead.

I took part in an event last Sunday that was later presented on YouTube.  While I was there, I was so taken with the music, a wonderful big choir, the grand piano and the pipe organ playing together for the music, the people gathered singing out.  My heart literally sang as the music swirled around me and I knew when I was there that this was so special.  When I got home, I was excited to play some of the selections for my family.  However, when I did, it was not the same, the microphones only picked up the piano, making the organ quite faint, and the multitude of voices were not well broadcast again due to the microphone placement.  That wonderful surround sound was only hinted at in the recording.  It reminds me about how we do  have to be present and enjoy the live action in our lives.  Sometimes at concerts or events we want to record and take photos and can if we are not careful, miss some of the experience in looking for the best angle.  I know for me when I am snapping photos, many of them are not really that good with people moving, weird facial expressions and blurry images.  Sometimes we just have to take it all in, make a memory in the database of our brain, as there is no digital substitute for many of our experiences.  Sometimes the pipe organ can only exist in our memory, and perhaps that makes it resonate even more.

I could not sleep and was doing what we all have a habit of, looking at my phone, scrolling through social media.  I came across a word I had not heard before: sonder.  Now while I had not been introduced to the word, I have often pondered its meaning.” In a state of sonder, you realize that you are part of everyone else’s stories, and that you influence the lives of those around you. You are at once a hero, an extra, and a supporting cast member in overlapping stories Lots of the great authors I read remind me to reflect on how everyone around me is fighting battles I don’t know about, how everyone is truly trying their best and that we are all just walking together.  How great it is then, to have discovered a noun for this realization.  And how it goes further to talk about how we are not all main characters taking up space in each other’s lives, that in the majority we are but a minor character, a single interaction, a background extra like on a movie set.  It is the realization that everyone’s life is equally rich, complex, diverse and layered as our own that is the aha moment.  I think there is a tendency to get lost in our own thoughts, pressures and life and we get lulled into a sense that not only does everyone have it a bit easier, but that we are separate, sonder is realizing we all part of the cast.

I got a new to me 2016 car recently and the activation of the phone book is voice controlled.  My old car had a list of preset favourites that you just punched, but now I find myself talking to my car and my most used command is: “dial Home”.  After I say that it shows me a list and asks me to verify the line number, which I do.  The next part is what I am highlighting. As it just says “Home”  my car says: “dialing home, home”  and I could be imagining it, but there seems to be a pause between the repeating of home and home that makes me feel like the car is pausing to reflect on the word.  This in turn causes me to pause also and take moment to reflect on all the comforts of home.  Home……home, the place where my favourite people are, my comfy chair, my pets, my memories, my photos, my gardens, my stuff.   Home ……home, the place where I land most days, where I can rest a little, host family and friends and recharge.  Home…. Home, a place that I often take for granted and after a busy day sometimes get more cranky than grateful.  Home …..home, the number I dial when I want to talk to my favourite people to tell them I am on my way to them or check in on the day.  My anchor, my launch pad, my safe place, my comfortable oasis, and most appreciated destination.  It is my greatest hope that everyone  has a place that they can call home…..home, and that you get to make a connection with it  often and that makes each day brighter and easier to navigate.

I had the pleasure of hearing Para Olympic gold medalist Jeff Adams speak at a recent conference and in the middle of his talk he played two clips. In one he placed fifth and in the other he won gold.  What I loved about the clips was that in both he was composed and mentioned a drive to be a role model for young people to see and seek to understand that things are possible in hard work and determination. The same message in a disappointing loss and in victory.  In both occasions he was at the Olympics, in both he was a world class athlete and in both he was on the national news.  It did not really seem to make a big difference that he was a gold medalist in only one of the clips, he was modeling something in both.  The determination, hard work, discipline and mental stamina to compete, to train and to do the race.  It struck me that this is the days and weeks of our lives.  We sometimes get it right, we sometimes fall short, we are on top of everything and then slip into a hot mess.  However, its all learning, its all good, its all building our character and our emotional toolbox and our life view.  And I would say that like Jeff’s interviews it is all inspiring and shows others around us what it is to be triumphantly human in this race we call life.

This week I was having a busy day and I needed to get a number of gift bags full of delightful things from the back of my car.  I trudged out and opened the hatch, I pulled the first bag out and a second bag fell to the pavement.  Inside each bag was two glass jars of candy and now this unfortunate bag had only one.  This accident was just too much, I was busy, distracted, overwhelmed and now I was staring at jelly beans and broken glass all over the parking lot at my feet.  My parking space is right next to the street and in those seconds where I was just staring down in disbelief a pedestrian offered help.  She shared concern, seemed as sad as I was to see the cheerful jelly beans all over the ground, and she instantly both shared my disappointment and offered help.  I told her that I would handle it but thanked her so much for her offer and her stopping.  It really did help, it shook me out of my negative spiral, it reassured me, it made me realize that there is so much more good than bad around me.  As she moved on I began to carefully pick up the glass and sugary treats, and another couple stopped to ask if I needed help.  It could have been just another set back in a busy day, instead it turned into a memory for me about how strangers can be brought together over spilled jelly beans and can turn a grimace into a smile.  So I guess I was contemplating crying over the spilled jelly beans, instead I smiled at the kindness of others when I have in fact spilled the beans. 

I had an interesting experience this week attending a meeting where a hockey tournament was going on for what looked like 11-year-old boys.  The thing that stood out to this non-hockey person was that these boys were carrying, on their backs, the most humungous hockey bags.  And while they clearly took pride in being able to independently shoulder these behemoth bags, they were clearly bent with the weight as they trudged along. Inside the meeting the speaker was discussing the health problems that tend to build up if we don’t let things go.  That when we hold on to hurts or grudges or pains caused by others for sometimes years that this is like drinking poison and will weigh us down.  What an exceptional convergence of experiences, seeing the weighed down players, hulking through with their bags three times their own body weight while at the same time talking about the emotional baggage we can carry when we don’t let go of what might not have ever been ours to hold.  The speaker in the room reminded all of us that we cannot begin to control the actions of others, that our only control is what we do ourselves in our hula hoop circle of self-regulation.  When we are disappointed or hurt, we were urged to reflect- are we trying to buy bread at the hardware store?  Were we expecting wisdom, or love or behaviour from another person that they simply are not able to offer to us or to themselves.  So in essence we are carrying that huge hockey bag when really all this time, we never should have taken it on, there is great wisdom in knowing that the person inflicting pain, can’t hurt us, unless we in fact take the load.

I recently walked in on a situation where someone was very upset, and the support staff were doing a great job in walking the person through a dialogue to help them regulate.  I did what I needed to and exited the scene so as not to complicate the conversation with my presence.  Before I left, I heard this question: “Do you think you are making good choices right now?”  Exit stage right for me, but the question was already settling in my brain.  Do I think I am making good choices right now?  When I reach for the sugary treat rather than the veggies, when I watch another episode on Netflix instead of taking a walk, when I put off yet again anything resembling a deep clean of my house in favour of a fun adventure.  Am I making good choices?  I think sometimes I am, sometimes the fun adventure is more of what I need than trying to figure out what is stuck to the floor under the garbage can.  And sometimes I am not, avoiding my to do list as it grows, affecting my energy level and health with poorer snack choices.  Just like the situation I happened upon, it is helpful if in the moment we can take a moment to reflect, to ask the question, is this the right thing?  It is in the reflecting that we can make sure we are not just on auto pilot, being mad at a  person because of a story I am telling myself rather than what is actually happening.  A moment to question could be all we need to reset our actions and be present in what is true in the present moment and then in that pause choosing what is the good or better choice.  Especially when we are angry, what we see is what we look for so in the heat of the moment everything can look like something that reaffirms our angry feelings. It is hard to do, but from somewhere we should try to hear the important question and create just a little space to see what is actually in front of us.  Are you making good choices right now? 

I am completely overjoyed that the summer like weather continues well beyond its time into October, love wearing the sandals and being outside, but one thing is starting to bother me.  I know that it is the time of year that I should be trimming and clearing in my flower beds and preparing for their winter rest, but I am having trouble doing it seeing how lush they all remain. My usual cues of frost and floppiness, colder weather and cool breezes is missing, its only the calendar that says it is time. Its an interesting thought to ponder, what do we get cues for that guide us, what kind of environment do we need to remind us to do the rhythmic things in our year?  I know I feel more like holiday preparation if we have had a snowfall, I feel like planting new things if the spring weather is well established and I fall into some childhood patterns when I have the social cues of being with my siblings at my childhood home.  Its all part of what makes us unique and on our own separate journeys, we could be two people in an identical situation and group but interpreting it completely differently.  I see things based on what I have experienced.  Everyone interprets weather, smells, sounds and environments differently.  Another reminder to just be kind and share space in the garden.

What does it look like to belong?  What is authentic inclusion?  What is a strong circle of support?  At the conference for Community Living Ontario last week, these were all important questions and ponderings.  These are the questions that started a movement in Ontario over 70 years ago and these are questions that have no simple answer.  The day to day lives of all Ontarians are different, the passions and interests are diverse and the definition of family and friend and the space they take up in our lives is very different.  How then does a movement keep going forward with no clear bullet points to indicate where the destination is?  A good first step is to put the person at the heart of the journey.  Each of us know when we feel included, when we value the presence of another, when we miss someone who is not there that was.  We know how it feels when we are completely comfortable to be with someone, when we have a few good friends.  And this is both the great challenge and the wondrous privilege of planning and helping others to seek out, nurture, expect or even demand inclusion and accessibility, it is not one size fits all.  At the heart of the work and adventure is getting to know what people enjoy, seek out and desire, what make there heart sing.  While there is no absolute recipe, people know how it feels when they have arrived at a dream, and in that feeling can plan for another as part of the circle.